I sat on the bed staring at an empty crib again during the late hours of the night. Once again sitting in the realization of the baby we will not bring home. They will not sleep in this bed or call me Momma. I will not hear the pitter patter of their little feet. Or rock them when they are sick.
This morning I woke.
Yet everything seems dark. I get ready for work and go on with my everyday routine.
I smile and laugh at all the right times. I go about my day doing the task required.
Same routine. Same people. Yet, sometimes it's as if my body is there going through the motions, but where is the rest of me? I close my eyes for just seconds wishing I would or could wake up somewhere else....
Another time? Another place? Another life??
I finish my work day. Putting on another face. A face that looks happy and loving. Once again I attempt to follow the "routine" we have at home. So DH and my family do not see what is going on inside this head and heart. Most of the time DH sees it, but is afraid to talk about it in fear of making it hurt more.
Another day in this life has passed.
Another day chipping away at my hope and faith.
I remember there are many others out there going through the same and wonder how we do it every day.
We watch everyone around us with their kids, or having babies wondering,
"Why not us Lord?!?" "What have I done?" "What haven't I done?"
No response. No answers.. .. So I can only trust in Him and go on.
I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress:
My God; in Him I will trust. Psalm 91:2