As I stood at this kitchen sink this morning washing up the punch bowl I watched the snow fall as softly as I felt the tears running down my cheek.  I was thinking of a text I received from a dear friend this morning telling of how lonely her and her husband's Christmas had seemed with no children or grandkids in their home.  I felt the loneliness for her.  This year the house has felt so empty.  I thought maybe it was just being in the new house and not quite feeling like it's "our home" instead of living in someone else's house.  Yesterday my home was full of family and comfort food but there was no comfort.  I felt like the lyrics from "Pretty Papper"

"In the distance of the ringing of laughter, and in the midst of the laughter  he cries."

 
Last night after coming back from Christmas at Momma & Dad's I sat here snuggled on the couch with DH enjoying the lights of the Christmas tree finding myself wondering if we will ever hear the pitter patter of little feet in our house during Christmas.  Someone peeking under the tree to see what is theirs.  Asking when we are going to read the story about Baby Jesus.  When they won't be able to sleep for the excitement of the next morning.  Will there ever be that excitement and laughter in our home.  In the midst of this I realized I have never felt more alone during Christmas.  There was family, food and love, but and emptiness that is indescribable.
My precious cousin who also had multiple miscarriages and loss once told me, "Maria, just think your babies are complete perfection in Heaven with Jesus and will be waiting when you get there."  I don't know how many times that kind word has kept me.  Sometimes the human side of me is much more selfish and more days than not I want them here with me.  Especially today when I should hear them laughing and playing.  Begging to go out in the snow and play with Daddy & me while it's falling.  
Today I will enjoy the day with Dave and the beauty of the day.  I will be praying for all the other couples who are feeling the same grief as we are today and that their homes will be full of giggles and pitter patter soon.

Merry Christmas