"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~~Wisdom from Dr. Seuss:


There Was A Guy

I met him my freshman year of high school through a mutual friend.
He was attending college in our little Podunk town. 
I remember the first time I met him.  He had a smile like no one else. It was infectious. 
He could light up a room with it, and make you smile when you wanted to cry or scream.
He quickly became a part of everyday life it seems.
Before I knew it 4yrs had passed.  School was out, and life began. 
He never left, no matter what. 
We saw lots of friends come and go.  Good dates, bad dates.  Funny stories. 
There wasn't one thing I would have ever held back from telling him. 
We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. 
He took me places.  Come got me in the middle of the night from places I shouldn't have been.
He talked to me in the middle of the night after my ex-husband left. 
We learned no matter how small the drop of Dawn NEVER put it in a dishwasher. 
When my Momma was sick with breast cancer, He held me every night while I cried myself to sleep. 
We cooked together, and played together. 
We shared inside stories and jokes.  
He taught me to love myself and how to let others love me. 
He encouraged me every day to do and be everything I wanted to be, never letting down. 
He was the first person I called when we found out I was pregnant.
He was the first person I called when I lost her. 
I called Him when they told me they thought I was in stage IV bladder cancer 2yrs ago. 
He promised He would be there, no matter what.

On Labor Day, on the way home from Indiana, I received a call. 
Jeff was gone.

I have lost my Dad, and an Uncle that was like a Dad, but it didn't prepare me for this.
DH had to pull over and let me out.  It had to be a bad dream, a joke. It wasn't. 
The next few days brought several emotions, but mostly anger.  
At myself.  For more reasons than I could list. 

I sit in a funeral home listening to a man who knew nothing about Him talk, wishing he would just shut up. 
I got more upset the longer I sat there.  It's the first time I wanted to hurt a preacher.  
I finally understood why people want to throw themselves or climb in a casket with someone. 
I wanted to shake him and wake him up.  Beg him to tell me it wasn't true.
I kissed him "hello" when I came in and "good-bye" going out, as to our ritual.

I went home, went to bed and started the next day as usual.  As well as the next, and the next. 
Then I woke up Sunday before last and that little routine was over. 
I have barely stopped crying since.
I know its not good but I can't make myself take his numbers out of my phone. 
Every time I see his name I want to call.   
DH is concerned I will never get over this.  
I told him grief has to come and it will go.  I am starting to wondering myself today.    

One of the last conversations we had was about time getting away and how we needed to make more time to spend together.  I was telling him how much I missed him and I hope he never doubted how much I loved him.  He told me not to worry He knew and that true love and friendships between people continues to grow stronger never diminishing with distance or time.  I sat on the bed and cried wishing the distance away at that moment. 
He is right.  True love & friendships never diminish.  They only grow stronger with time.  

Thank You Jeff.  
For all the yesterdays we had, and everything you taught me.
For the "secret" plan we had, we should have went through with.
For all the memories I have here with me forever in my heart & mind. 
For the friendship and love that will never diminish with time. 

I Love You, For Always,


Queen-Size funny bone said...

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I cry for you and cry with you. I can feel the love in your words. You were lucky to have each other.

tammy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a great friendship to have had.

Taylor said...

Oh Maria, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a truely amazing friendship and bond that can not be severed, he is still here with you.

Marie said...

I'm so sorry, Maria. I can't even imagine. Sending warm thoughts to you.