"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~~Wisdom from Dr. Seuss:


How Do I

This evening is an evening of "How?"

What started out as a great evening of having supper with my brother Josh has turned into a horrible evening of "How?"
I sat across the table from him trying to hold myself together as I hear him tell me a story of a family member.
Of how he and his wife are both "using" and what was going on the other night at their house with them and their kids.  My heart breaks into.  Their little boy is within days of being born of what our Gracie should've been. 
How is it possible that he would be brought into the world with parents who love him, but are bringing him up in a completely horrible enviorment, when DH and I long for our baby still.

How is it possible that I not be mad or hurt at that?

How do I keep holding on to my promise from God when I feel like I have lost all my faith and hope?

How do I hold myself together when I am around them and not want to scream that he should be mine?

How do I not hurt for those little kids and myself at the same time?

How do I keep pushing myself to go on in life, when some days it makes me not even want to open my eyes?

How do I keep myself from yelling at people when they think they know what is best for us and freely give advise, thoughts ect that I am so sick of hearing that I could scream?

How is it that I can have such a wonderful life, family and husband and still feel this great empty gap inside that I walk around hiding from the world?

How horribly wrong of me when I know people have it much worse than not just having a child?

How long will I be heartbroke?

I almost feel like it is wrong to post this. 
I hate to post negative things. 
Yet, it's still life. 
No one is  happy every day. 
It feels like I am whinning in the grand scheme of things. 
It is such a personal issue that I find it so hard to talk to anyone about even to family. 

I just want it out of my system, and maybe for tonight it will be. 
Maybe I will have one night of peace.
One night of not sitting in the bedroom looking at an empty crib
Waiting for the day...........

Tonight I will remind myself as His word says,
 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  II Corinthians 12:9


Taylor said...

I'm so sorry that your dinner turned out this way. You have every right to feel the way you do and shouldn't feel guilty about posting it. Until someone has walked in your shoes they have no right to judge.

I will pray that the crib will be occupied soon.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Honestly people like that drive me nuts. that is exactly why I can't be a foster parent. stay away from people like that and maybe they will get the hint. Big hug for your hurting heart. never give up hope

Marie said...

So sorry that you're feeling down. It's good to get your thoughts out, holding it in is never good for one's soul. Keep your chin up...

tammy said...

That is so hard. It's hard to not ask why. When I was struggling to have my first baby, the woman across the street from us was on welfare, single and pregnant with her third. It was hard to not be bitter. I know we have trials to make us stronger, but sometimes they just seem so unfair. And it's so sad that they are raising a child in that environment.

Hang in there sweetie.

Pedaling said...

sounds like on of those days....
so hard.
and i am so sorry.