DH, I and Jesse got out and went for a really long drive today. Back roads of course, they are my favorite. Since DH is from IN, he hasn't seen lots of the beautiful parts of KY. So anytime we can get away I try to take him somewhere new. Some of today he had seen, some not. It was a high of 72 today. So it was the windows down, and the sunroof open, wind blowing your hair kinda day. It was GREAT as well as much needed with the last few weeks here. The last few months have been pretty rough at times it seems.
One of the whole reasons I started blogging was to get stuff off my chest. Lately I have found I quit doing that. Several friends and family members started reading me regularly and I wasn't sure I wanted to just open myself up to everyone. Sometimes mostly my Momma bless her heart. Please don't get me wrong I got the BEST Momma EVER!! Yet still at the age of 32 I don't want to hear everything she has to say, lol. Love you Momma!! Sometimes, ok most times she still sees me as a little girl and doesn't think I can make "big girl" decisions, or that I need to possibly think them through a little more. Ok, well sometimes she is right, but not always.
I guess another reason is, I don't want people to see me as whiny.
So today I am going to share a little more than normal with you. So maybe you know or at least understand me a little better.
Two months after DH and I started dating they told me I would not be able to have children unless I started trying right then because I had gone into "ovarian failure". Of course being divorced (2yrs) I was in no hurry to think about children or getting married again. So we didn't try. DH told me he wasn't dating me for kids and we would continue dating. We did and married almost 2yrs later. It wasn't until winter of 2002 kids came into question. I was dying to have one. After a lot of prayers and after years of no cycles I started again. We did everything we could think of and was recommended to us, and trust me people recommend some crazy stuff. (we'll save those funny things for another day) By our anniversary I knew we were pregnant. I had a dr's apt two days before, so while I was there the dr did a pregnancy test. We were going on a getaway that weekend. As we were leaving the nurse called and told me we weren't pregnant, the blood level was too low to be. I remember sitting in traffic devastated, bawling crying. I had known deep in my heart I was pregnant. It was probably our worst anniversary. We were blessed to be at a Bed & Breakfast we frequented run by a couple we had befriended. The next two weeks were a blur. I still knew in my heart I was pregnant. I mean who knows a persons body better than them self? On Mother's Day my home pregnancy test came in positive. We were ecstatic. Before I even told DH I took 10 test. I had my first prenatal apt in two weeks. It was on a Monday. Unfortunately fate had another destiny for us because over the weekend I started miscarrying. They had told me to expect possible bleeding. Thinking the day the nurse called was the worse day wasn't even close to my 3rd dr's appt that week. The first one didn't look good, but they were still hopeful my numbers would come up. They did the third day, but by Friday they bottomed out, and my baby was gone. At 16 weeks along before my baby even showed up on a test. I have no clue what happened the next few days. My Momma was there but I remember feeling like there was no one in the world, and I was questioning if I still was. This happened the week of DH's 30th Birthday. His Mom was there. I don't think I left the bedroom other than I took her to eat the morning of her flight, and I took her to the airport. I shouldn't have been driving.
Since then we've had countless dr's apts, 6 more miscarriages and it still hasn't gotten easier. I've gotten pregnant with friends and me miscarry and now have to see their babies grow, and know what mine would be doing. I don't begrudge them, I am just sharing what it is like. Last fall we found out we were pregnant again. We were elated. It was the first time we had really been trying in a while. DH and I went to my first appt. My levels were fine. Physical evam was fine. He said I was at 10 weeks, and everything was "fine". We were so excited because I would be due June 15th. That is usually Father's Day, and also my Daddy's birthday.
DH was gone on business trip when I went for my first ultrasound so Momma went with me. No baby. As I laid there on the table watching the screen I watched my life fall apart again. The grief engulfing me.
Sunday while I was home from church I came across some sister bloggers and I found I am not alone in this. I am not the only one going through this crazy, emotional roller coaster. I have been blessed by those women's stories and their battles.
I hope you don't find me whiny or ungrateful. Now you know a little more.
If you believe in God and prayer, please keep me there, and the other ladies of the world who have a desire to have children and can't.
Now you know why I love the two songs I have here:
"Jesus Bring The Rain" and the second "I Want To Know How It Feels" because I want to know how it feels to be in Heaven with my Babies and their perfectness there.