As I stood at this kitchen sink this morning washing up the punch bowl I watched the snow fall as softly as I felt the tears running down my cheek.  I was thinking of a text I received from a dear friend this morning telling of how lonely her and her husband's Christmas had seemed with no children or grandkids in their home.  I felt the loneliness for her.  This year the house has felt so empty.  I thought maybe it was just being in the new house and not quite feeling like it's "our home" instead of living in someone else's house.  Yesterday my home was full of family and comfort food but there was no comfort.  I felt like the lyrics from "Pretty Papper"

"In the distance of the ringing of laughter, and in the midst of the laughter  he cries."

 
Last night after coming back from Christmas at Momma & Dad's I sat here snuggled on the couch with DH enjoying the lights of the Christmas tree finding myself wondering if we will ever hear the pitter patter of little feet in our house during Christmas.  Someone peeking under the tree to see what is theirs.  Asking when we are going to read the story about Baby Jesus.  When they won't be able to sleep for the excitement of the next morning.  Will there ever be that excitement and laughter in our home.  In the midst of this I realized I have never felt more alone during Christmas.  There was family, food and love, but and emptiness that is indescribable.
My precious cousin who also had multiple miscarriages and loss once told me, "Maria, just think your babies are complete perfection in Heaven with Jesus and will be waiting when you get there."  I don't know how many times that kind word has kept me.  Sometimes the human side of me is much more selfish and more days than not I want them here with me.  Especially today when I should hear them laughing and playing.  Begging to go out in the snow and play with Daddy & me while it's falling.  
Today I will enjoy the day with Dave and the beauty of the day.  I will be praying for all the other couples who are feeling the same grief as we are today and that their homes will be full of giggles and pitter patter soon.

Merry Christmas

NIAW

NIAW- National Infertility Awareness Week April 24th-May1st.

Below you will find a link to a post that is of high importance of how to help deal with anyone who has issues with infertility.

Please see this post.

Thanks Megan!

Promises

It’s a beautiful spring day and full of promise.
Just as everyday is, some just seem more than others with the sunshine.
The Lord gives us many promises.
Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. (Jeremiah 33:3);

All things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. (Matthew 21:22);

If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it. (John 14:14).

These are a few of my favorites.
I have clung to these close this week.
Some days it’s hard to put complete trust in Him.
Now I am holding onto

(Isaiah 41:10) Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will up hold you with My righteous right hand.

Friday afternoon I had another miscarriage.
It seems I’ve been so worried about everyone else, I didn’t take care of myself.
I didn’t realize it.
Right now I want to blog, but not about this.
It’s all that is on my mind and in my heart.
So I need a break from the Rambling.
It might be 2 days, 2wks, or 2 months.
I just don’t know.

Today is better, but not great.
Yesterday I was mad at the world and most things in it.
Life is still full of promises for me as long as there is breath in my body.
Today, tomorrow and the days to come, I cling to His promises to me.

I want my blog to be encouraging and fun!
Not sad and gloomy, my feeling sorry for myself.
Right now I can’t deliver that.

I plan to continue to follow you all and get my strength from your funnies!
Thank you for sharing your lives daily with me!!
You’re Great!!!

What a Day!!

I was up early this morning and running.

Into to town to purchase the BEST donuts in 7 counties.

Along with a cup of java from the Fuzzy Duck in town.

The sun rising, the air still with just a little nip in it.  Ahhhh...Don't you love spring?

(this is the three of us this time last yr)

Then it was to pick up Nan & Momma then off to Church for prayer meeting this morning.

This is really the first one that has been opened to all the women.

I like to go pray at Church, there is just something about being in the house of God while praying.

So when I planned for Saturday, I thought why not ask all the ladies to join me?

We had 6 total.

We had a great time in the Lord.

A few of us stayed and did some "spring cleaning" afterwards.

To me, that is one of the greatest rewards,

having the privilege to clean the house of God.

I know, it's not something most people would find exciting or even want to do.

Maybe I am just weird?

Now I am absolutely wore out, and have to figure out dinner.

We also have one of the teen boys with us this weekend.

He has kept DH busy today.

Please pray for my friends Shannon & Kerry.

She is currently in the hospital from trouble with her pregnancy.

Please stop by The New Normal and give her some encouragement!

They are waiting on Lil' Josey to join them.

(yes, Kerry I had to steal this pic from fb, sorry, lol)

Ok, I'm wore out!
Off to hit the shower, and find something for dinner!

I Would Die For That

How Do I

This evening is an evening of "How?"

What started out as a great evening of having supper with my brother Josh has turned into a horrible evening of "How?"
I sat across the table from him trying to hold myself together as I hear him tell me a story of a family member.
Of how he and his wife are both "using" and what was going on the other night at their house with them and their kids.  My heart breaks into.  Their little boy is within days of being born of what our Gracie should've been. 
How is it possible that he would be brought into the world with parents who love him, but are bringing him up in a completely horrible enviorment, when DH and I long for our baby still.

How is it possible that I not be mad or hurt at that?

How do I keep holding on to my promise from God when I feel like I have lost all my faith and hope?

How do I hold myself together when I am around them and not want to scream that he should be mine?

How do I not hurt for those little kids and myself at the same time?

How do I keep pushing myself to go on in life, when some days it makes me not even want to open my eyes?

How do I keep myself from yelling at people when they think they know what is best for us and freely give advise, thoughts ect that I am so sick of hearing that I could scream?

How is it that I can have such a wonderful life, family and husband and still feel this great empty gap inside that I walk around hiding from the world?

How horribly wrong of me when I know people have it much worse than not just having a child?

How long will I be heartbroke?

I almost feel like it is wrong to post this. 
I hate to post negative things. 
Yet, it's still life. 
No one is  happy every day. 
It feels like I am whinning in the grand scheme of things. 
It is such a personal issue that I find it so hard to talk to anyone about even to family. 

I just want it out of my system, and maybe for tonight it will be. 
Maybe I will have one night of peace.
One night of not sitting in the bedroom looking at an empty crib
Waiting for the day...........

Tonight I will remind myself as His word says,

 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  II Corinthians 12:9

Babies & Birthday

Here are the little rascals!!

Joseph Nathaniel 6lbs 4oz

Thomas Arlie 6lbs 7oz

They arrived Friday evening after 6:30.

They are doing great, and so are Mommy & Daddy!

Congrats to the Family!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is my good friend Amanda's Birthday!!

Everyone please wish Amanda a

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY!!

For Amanda's Birthday I fixed up a little surprise for her last night.

She and Hubby came over to this

and a little R&R without the little ones.

Today DH and I are on our way to Church.

Afterwards we are going to look for my "birthday shoes" I haven't had a chance to pick out from my Momma & Daddy. 

I can't wait to just be outside!!

It looks like this here today

What's inside my head today...

I sat on the bed staring at an empty crib again during the late hours of the night. Once again sitting in the realization of the baby we will not bring home. They will not sleep in this bed or call me Momma. I will not hear the pitter patter of their little feet. Or rock them when they are sick.

This morning I woke.
Another day.
Another sunrise.
Yet everything seems dark. I get ready for work and go on with my everyday routine.
I smile and laugh at all the right times. I go about my day doing the task required.
Same routine. Same people. Yet, sometimes it's as if my body is there going through the motions, but where is the rest of me? I close my eyes for just seconds wishing I would or could wake up somewhere else....
Another time? Another place? Another life??

I finish my work day. Putting on another face. A face that looks happy and loving. Once again I attempt to follow the "routine" we have at home. So DH and my family do not see what is going on inside this head and heart. Most of the time DH sees it, but is afraid to talk about it in fear of making it hurt more.

Another day in this life has passed.
Another day chipping away at my hope and faith.
I remember there are many others out there going through the same and wonder how we do it every day.
We watch everyone around us with their kids, or having babies wondering,
"Why not us Lord?!?" "What have I done?" "What haven't I done?"
No response. No answers.. .. So I can only trust in Him and go on.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress:
My God; in Him I will trust. Psalm 91:2

DH, I and Jesse got out and went for a really long drive today. Back roads of course, they are my favorite. Since DH is from IN, he hasn't seen lots of the beautiful parts of KY. So anytime we can get away I try to take him somewhere new. Some of today he had seen, some not. It was a high of 72 today. So it was the windows down, and the sunroof open, wind blowing your hair kinda day. It was GREAT as well as much needed with the last few weeks here. The last few months have been pretty rough at times it seems.
One of the whole reasons I started blogging was to get stuff off my chest. Lately I have found I quit doing that. Several friends and family members started reading me regularly and I wasn't sure I wanted to just open myself up to everyone. Sometimes mostly my Momma bless her heart. Please don't get me wrong I got the BEST Momma EVER!! Yet still at the age of 32 I don't want to hear everything she has to say, lol. Love you Momma!! Sometimes, ok most times she still sees me as a little girl and doesn't think I can make "big girl" decisions, or that I need to possibly think them through a little more. Ok, well sometimes she is right, but not always.
I guess another reason is, I don't want people to see me as whiny.
So today I am going to share a little more than normal with you. So maybe you know or at least understand me a little better.
Two months after DH and I started dating they told me I would not be able to have children unless I started trying right then because I had gone into "ovarian failure". Of course being divorced (2yrs) I was in no hurry to think about children or getting married again. So we didn't try. DH told me he wasn't dating me for kids and we would continue dating. We did and married almost 2yrs later. It wasn't until winter of 2002 kids came into question. I was dying to have one. After a lot of prayers and after years of no cycles I started again. We did everything we could think of and was recommended to us, and trust me people recommend some crazy stuff. (we'll save those funny things for another day) By our anniversary I knew we were pregnant. I had a dr's apt two days before, so while I was there the dr did a pregnancy test. We were going on a getaway that weekend. As we were leaving the nurse called and told me we weren't pregnant, the blood level was too low to be. I remember sitting in traffic devastated, bawling crying. I had known deep in my heart I was pregnant. It was probably our worst anniversary. We were blessed to be at a Bed & Breakfast we frequented run by a couple we had befriended. The next two weeks were a blur. I still knew in my heart I was pregnant. I mean who knows a persons body better than them self? On Mother's Day my home pregnancy test came in positive. We were ecstatic. Before I even told DH I took 10 test. I had my first prenatal apt in two weeks. It was on a Monday. Unfortunately fate had another destiny for us because over the weekend I started miscarrying. They had told me to expect possible bleeding. Thinking the day the nurse called was the worse day wasn't even close to my 3rd dr's appt that week. The first one didn't look good, but they were still hopeful my numbers would come up. They did the third day, but by Friday they bottomed out, and my baby was gone. At 16 weeks along before my baby even showed up on a test. I have no clue what happened the next few days. My Momma was there but I remember feeling like there was no one in the world, and I was questioning if I still was. This happened the week of DH's 30th Birthday. His Mom was there. I don't think I left the bedroom other than I took her to eat the morning of her flight, and I took her to the airport. I shouldn't have been driving.
Since then we've had countless dr's apts, 6 more miscarriages and it still hasn't gotten easier. I've gotten pregnant with friends and me miscarry and now have to see their babies grow, and know what mine would be doing. I don't begrudge them, I am just sharing what it is like. Last fall we found out we were pregnant again. We were elated. It was the first time we had really been trying in a while. DH and I went to my first appt. My levels were fine. Physical evam was fine. He said I was at 10 weeks, and everything was "fine". We were so excited because I would be due June 15th. That is usually Father's Day, and also my Daddy's birthday.
DH was gone on business trip when I went for my first ultrasound so Momma went with me. No baby. As I laid there on the table watching the screen I watched my life fall apart again. The grief engulfing me.
Sunday while I was home from church I came across some sister bloggers and I found I am not alone in this. I am not the only one going through this crazy, emotional roller coaster. I have been blessed by those women's stories and their battles.
I hope you don't find me whiny or ungrateful. Now you know a little more.
If you believe in God and prayer, please keep me there, and the other ladies of the world who have a desire to have children and can't.
Now you know why I love the two songs I have here:
"Jesus Bring The Rain" and the second "I Want To Know How It Feels" because I want to know how it feels to be in Heaven with my Babies and their perfectness there.